It has been a few weeks since I have written for you humans out there and there is a reason; I refuse to simply post for the sake of it. I wait until I have inspiration to share something that helped me. I have had another breakthrough with my partner and I feel it would offer some value to others who may feel that they do not have control. News flash, you do. First thing is to change your language and how you relate to your mental health, but more of that at a ladder date.
Today is all about communicating with your partner/s, friends, family etc.
I have found that "depression" and "anxiety" can cause us to hide, especially when we believe that we hold no control over our thoughts and mind. This can cause us to remain hidden out of fear, shame, guilt and sadness. What I would like to shine some light on in this blog today is how to start to do it - to talk about it and not shut down.
For whatever reason, I have always shared my story with close friends. I guess when I was younger I couldn't really hide the cuts on my arms or chest so I had to talk about it. I had to talk about it to stay in control of the situation so my friends would feel safe around me, does that resonate with you? Have you felt safe enough with anyone at any point in your life to express your darkest parts? This is potent healing work. The reason behind my telling my friends came from a place of love and fear, I didn't want them to leave and I know we shared love for one another. Some of them understood and later confided in me that they also felt the same or cut themselves as well. Some of them didn't know what to say so the conversation simply came to a hault, I never blamed them, I would blame msyself - I have since worked through this and released this belief system. I realize now that this was a training in a roundabout way for the work I am doing today for myself and for others.
It can be truly terrifying to tell someone the truth about how we are feeling. Why? Because we believe that no one knows how we feel and that they will freak out and overreact. I have had this happen, the over reaction, the trick is to stay calm and to keep talking it through with them, try to help them understand but hold them to no expectation/s.
When we live in this state but are in a new mind set where we understand that these thoughts are separate from who we are, we are able to provide explanations and allow the other person to receive our message. When we get stressed and shut down, our mind goes to the worst scenarioes. The truth is, you must always breathe. We must constantly stay focused on the breath to allow our body and mind to stay calm, to stay anchored in the present moment. Take a few deep breaths, sit in silence for a few minutes if you need and begin again when you feel ready. Maybe even taking a break from the conversation and coming back to it. For me, I have had to go through the reality that the past few months I have had re-occuring thoughts of death. Now, my mindset is very mature in this matter and I am proud of it as I know I do not want to die, my mind is just on a pattern of thinking and sometimes it takes some extra work to get out of. Patterns are gifts because they will always surface to show you the work needed.
Okay, regrouping here. The ability to stay calm comes from the knowledge that:
1. I am safe to express my feelings.
2. I am calm and grounded.
3. I love myself.
4. It is okay if they do not fully understand.
5. I am supported.
(feel free to use these mantras anytime you need them)
It is important to feel safe with your partner, if you do not feel safe with them I would take a really deep look at who you are and who you are with. When we feel unsafe we hide, when we hide we disconnect, when we disconnect we are met with signals like depression and anxiety as our Soul is trying to get our attention to detail. If the relationship you are in is toxic I would start to ask the whys. Why do I feel I deserve this treatment? Why am I receiving love in this manner? Why am I putting up with this? Why am I staying in an unsafe environemt? Why Why Why...
When in a relationship you may find you just know when something is off. It is different for every relationship but I believe one of the first things to diminish is the amount of intimacy available within the relationship. This is a big one for me and my partner. I have known something has been off for a few weeks and yesterday we went into it.
A safe rule is to always ask consent to have a conversation. Consent is something we should continually practice with friends, lovers, family members and strangers in relation to most things, even when offering a compliment, I ask first. Can I share something with you? Can I offer you a compliment? This allows for both humans' boundaries to be respected. Would you mind if I shared something with you? This is kind of scary for me but I would like to talk to you if you are open to it? I have noticed that something is off, would you be open to being open with me? I have been having a really hard time and I believe it would serve us both if we could talk? This respects all parties involved, shows respect and allows you time to prepare yourself to have the hard conversations or it allows you to find time to have the convesation without pressure for the immediate release.
Vulnerability is key, let the hard conversations happen, let the tears roll out. Yesterday was so hard for me. I have not felt that way in years and to share with my partner that I have been feeling death in a powerful way put me into fear and shame. Shame because I witnessed his reaction to how I feel and hate that "I made him feel that way". NOTE: it is not your fault if someone gets upset with this conversation, it is not a conversation that most are use to - which is why we need to talk about it more, in my opinion of course. Everyone is allowed to feel the way they feel and his reaction was out of love, I felt this with every part of my being. I felt fear because at one point the conversation mentioned breaking up, which is not something either one of us want, nor was it really an option, it was coming from fear and concern.
How I moved through it?
When my partner mentioned the words "breakup" instead of reacting immediately on that fear I let my partner soften and release his pain that he felt, I held space for him to feel what he was feeling and process what I had just told him (this is why I stress the importance of meditation because it allows us to be observant and not reactive). We were then able to come back together and I expressed that breaking up was not something I wanted or believed was the right choice (this is not from a space of codependancy but from a space of understanding who we are). Keeping calm through the breath and repeating, "It's going to be okay". My partner agreed it was not something he wanted but he was also afraid for me. He was afraid of what I would do or how far I would go.
We both cried.
At one point my partner got up off the couch and sat on the floor by himself, I tried to hug him to console him but he didn't want it. I backed off and eventually, 30 minutes later, he reached for my knee and then my hand. As we go through these conversations it is important to also be mindful of the person we are communicating to. It is not always an easy conversation, but it is one worth having.
One of the biggest challenges I had to learn in order to have a functioning relationship was how to give someone their space. Having been extremely codependent in my past relationships (which is toxic by the way) this was huge for me. To sit with him, not touch him, let him take his time and allow for him to come back to his breath and the present moment.
You see, when my dark mind comes in and I start hating myself, I repel my partner (oh the energetics of the body). I was being short with him, I was asking him for a lot and not offering him very much support, I was stuck in receiving mode and that is draining on your partner or anyone for that matter. This is why taking responsibility for your own self love practice and your own mind/triggers/patterns is so important, no vinctim mentality here anymore.
This conversation wasn't started because I wanted to tell him. This conversation started because I asked him why he was so unhappy. What could I do better? Where had I fallen off course? We both shared areas of concern with one another and had a very open hearted and vulnerable conversation.
It is so important to take responsibility for your behaviours, it is hard to take responsibility if we are letting our Ego run the show. Learning who and what your Ego is helps pretty big when you're having heart to heart conversations. If I let my Ego react yesterday we would have ended up fighting and maybe even gone the route of taking time apart (which can be healthy as well). By not reacting right away, by slowing down and breathing, by letting him have his space and listening to his concerns first, my higher self, my consciousness went into clarity. I was witnessing the conversation rather than reacting to it, do you see the difference?
We had a solid chat for an hour or so, we both apologized to one another in the end. We expressed our love for one another multiple times and I apologized a million times because I know how he felt and I am working on my over apologetic self (work in progress is a good thing). I have been on both sides of this conversation and I know how empathetic he is and how invasive my energy can be, he loves me so much he takes on my pain to try and protect me. What's up Reiki Master in me. I have a lot of tools that help me on the way and it all started with meditation and pattern tracking/triggers. Anyone can learn them if you are dedicated to healing with the mind through understanding that we are not our mind.
"I am so glad we had this conversation." Were words my partner shared with me shortly after the conversation ended. I know he found relief in the conversation and I was able to release the shame that I was holding onto inside because of how I was feeling. As we walk through this life we are going to have to open up and share, it is how we grow. I encourage everyone to find someone that they feel safe with and share some of their vulnerable parts of them. This practice allows for those involved to not feel so isolated and allows for everyone to express themself in a safe and healthy container. If we are not sharing we are holding and when we are holding we are suffering. Release shame and suffering through sharing, I promise your heart will grow just as mine has.
This takes patience with yourself and the other so be kind to yourself and be kind to whom you are sharing. It is from vulnerability that we are able to grow into who we are meant to be.
Vulnerability starts within, get real with yourself and witness your feelings free of judgment.
I love you so much
You are forgiven
You are safe
You are enough.