free flow - procrastination, shame, body image, self sabotage, anxiety & witnessing your own bullshit!
We've all been there, faced with a choice that we were afraid to make so we ask others in hopes of sabotaging ourself. When something is staring at us to change a job, a living situation, a relationship, give up a certain food, dump that person, call that person out etc. we will resist to the point of discomfort to keep life easy and for our nervous system...or so we believe. I am guilty of it. These days I am trying to convince myself to go back to the gym because I have been so tired. I know physical exercise gives me more energy and when I am stagnant, my energy feels the same way. I don't like it. I know going to the gym at this point is a positive change that will be good for me right now.
THIS IS NOT TO TELL YOU TO GO TO THE GYM! THIS IS NOT TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEED IS WHAT YOU NEED! WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AND THERE IS NO ONE WAY! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED BEST! TRUST THAT!
BUT the anxiety goes through the roof any time I get in my car with all my stuff ready. And I mean after I have been talking myself up for two hours about how I am ready to go, I am just going to go into the women's section, or there's a yoga class in two hours you can make it, just go, okay you're ready, no excuse, and then I get in my car and it starts.... You haven't gone in so long everyone is going to know you're a lazy fuck. You don't know how to use any of the machines anymore... You can't do what you use to be able to do... Just go later when no one is there... Go at night it's fine, you'll still go....and then we rationalize to get out of facing a fear that you know has no place. I use to go to the gym almost every day, now it has been YEARS since then because I had my daily practice at home and I was still running around at work, but now my life has changed drastically and I need to change my habits. Because I am spending more time planning and sitting at the computer, on the phone or in meetings with people, I KNOW I NEED TO PRIORITIZE MY PHYSICAL BODY IN A NEW WAY. So I sit, fighting myself on how to get out of facing my fear day after day and I feel badly about it.
This stupid, vicious cycle eats away at my psyche and then loser, failure, lazy, all of those words that anxiety fed my breath with circulate through my lungs and blood. Now the feelings of being trapped in a body you do not want flood in. Oh it is such an interesting thing to be able to observe. To know it is bullshit, to know that as much as you may not like your body sometimes, you are grateful and in love with it, to know that you are watching old stories of pain and hurt being played out again so that you may react differently, my oh my, what a way to watch the self evolve.
And here we are, with ourself all alone again trying to convince ourself to go do that thing we have been putting off.
You know what is hiding underneath the surface that we cannot seem to understand?
It is SHAME.
Shame has a way of lurking and hiding so far down that we don't see it. Why? Because shame is hard to feel. It is a combination of sadness, rage, upset, envy, expectations failed and embarrassment. Shame holds us back by sucking power out of our solar plexus and feeding it coal. It creates a hard space in our sacral chakra that lingers off at the sides and it makes us feel unsafe in our grounding, our root chakra.
We must be willing to admit when we feel ashamed. It is in witnessing the shame that we are able to retrieve the edges of our energy. It is when we are able to see clearly that we are believing the bullshit. We are surrendering our power to old stories and lies and self made limitations.
Shame in this story is very different than another story as all stories are different.
Shame is unjustly placed on someone who has gone through tragedy or trauma. Shame and self ridicule are products of toxic environments. There is no need to hold onto shame once we realize this and work through the proper levels of healing.
At times I shut down and sabotage myself because I procrastinate, it is a problem that has been improving. Full confession though, when I put things off too long that need to get dealt with I get so ashamed I would rather hide from them than face them. Something as simple and mundane as taxes that shouldn't cause me such turmoil but making an appointment seems like the most tumultuous task. So I work through it and just do it.
I don't really know what the point of this entry was, maybe it was to simply share my humaneness with you, maybe it was to share some of my views on shame and over coming them, maybe it was for my own comfort or to work through some things in my mind.
I write for myself as much as I write for you. I have always been a writer and clarity pours over my hands as they glide across the keyboard or paper.
I love you and one of my wishes is for all humans who have been hurt to be free of shame and for us to be free of the painful thoughts associated with anxiety.