Sitting down to write out these entries has been extremely therapeutic; I have always felt at home when writing. As I sit today and wonder what will come I have been stricken with the relationships in my life and how they have reflected this chosen theme of pain.
Growing up and witnessing a back and forth relationship between my parents seems to have engrained itself within me. Each romantic partnership I have had before this one was carefully sewn together in pain and chaos. They were reflections of how I felt about myself and my stability. Attaching to relationships to create stability out of the unstable reinforced my need for the dramatics. I know now that for a long time I associated fighting with love, lust and passion. If the relationship was not up and down and sideways in every which way I would find a reason to break the stability. I remember the verbal and physical abuse I put up with through trauma bonding and how I longed for acceptance of my partner in every way. I looked for validation that my physical body was enough as sex and cheating had been dominating my subconscious mind. I needed them to apologize, they rarely did. I would be the one pleading and apologizing, a further sacrifice of my self respect than I cared to admit until my mid 20s. I see this so much in women I work with of all ages, to smooth the air and roll over on their own values and inner knowing to regain the peace in the relationship. I know now that when we roll over in such a way it is reflection of a deep rejection of the self. I know now when someone has over stepped that it is not my responsibility to take their pain or discomfort away surrounding what they have done. It is my job to respect myself and know that I am a deserving human. I have used my voice and power to get women out of bad situations and I will continue to do so. We all need some help sometimes no matter who you are or where you come from.
When I sit with women in circle sharing experiences and talking about what has happened in our lives and how we can be empowered in our story I am able to witness their determination and their ability to transcend the pain, the darkness. I see their strength and desire to be honestly loved. When I would sit with myself I would get lost in the memories of being cheated on, of the memories of men groping me or abusing me in their preferred way. I would continuously get lost in the knowing that I was disposable to people. I was sucked into the “why me” victim mentality as if I had no control…I could have left…I don’t have children with any of them…I never lived with them…
As I sit here and have been writing I am again taken to the fact that within those pains there were good people, I chose not to see them. There were a few guys I started dating casually at separate times in my life that were kind, caring and grounded. I saw them as boring. If I had to change plans or cancel last minute for whatever reason, they were understanding, they were not jealous, they were happy I let them know. This was so foreign to me that I did not know what to do with it. I had become so use to the chaos and the uncertainty and the jealousy that when someone did not demonstrate these qualities I found the relationship mundane. Needless to say, none of those kind hearted individuals made the cut. I repeated the abusive relationships until I was 24/25.
After finally having enough I left my x after a few holes punched in a wall, a lamp thrown, him locking himself in my bathroom and threatening to kill himself…all while I had company over. After this relationship, I asked myself what in the world was I doing, I don’t deserve this, no one does. So I stopped dating, I retired. I went celibate for a year and I no longer trusted in my ability to choose a partner. My history spoke for itself. What I did not realize was that I was choosing these ones over those who showed me tenderness and care, I was choosing the chaos because that was normal, comfortable and my root chakra was so underdeveloped.
I had a friend ask me many times to meet the gentleman I am with now, I refused for 6 months. When we finally met it was magic - we both knew this was something different. We have been together for three years in November, not a super long time, but long enough to have had to grow through our own shadows together. To be with someone who is able to communicate when angry, where we are both able to give the other one space and come back to a conversation when needed, to be able to simply be and have deep practices with one another is a gift I will forever cherish.
He catches me at times trying to find something to fight about, something to nit pick and create drama. He sees the pattern and calls me out. This was really hard at first but over the past year I have been able to witness it when it comes up and am able to see what I am truly upset about. When we exist in the pain for too long the ability to live in sustained joy feels too foreign and we keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. When will it end? When will the chaos begin? This is a retraining of my mind to accept the peace, joy and love that is available and to stop chasing the chaos.
Living in a way that puts you in a place of pain and shame hides itself from you. It does not want to be seen for once it is seen you have the responsibility to either continue on this cycle or to begin working to dismantle the systems of pain, shame and complacency that exist within. Eventually we all have to make a decision and we have to commit to it.
The evolution that has begun taking place inside of me in just over one week’s time has been quite profound. My physical body feels lighter, I have lost weight and my food cravings have almost completely stopped. Energetically we hold pain and joy differently. Pain is stagnant, dense and difficult to move whereas joy is lighter, vibrates more quickly and generates a frequency of expansion. The body holds onto everything unless we are consciously moving it and letting things go. As I have been stepping into each day with a fresh set of eyes and asking what I need today to be able to continue to dismantle this addiction to pain, I receive different answers. I am learning to trust myself and happiness for what feels like the first time and I am letting people go who are sitting in a place of aggression.
When you rise out of the ashes you will leave people behind. When your frequency shifts from pain to love you will lose people as you will no longer resonate with some of them any longer. You will awaken to those around you and witness their addictions to pain and sorrow as well. You will begin to see how much of the life surrounding you has been fabricated to support your pain story. When you finally choose to live, those who choose to dwell will fall from you like water out of a tap. You will become liberated and it will come with what your ego will convince you is sacrifice.
Change does not happen over night nor should it. Change comes about when you decide where you want to go and recognize the requirements to get there. If you simply acknowledge the problem does it go away? Not usually. There are usually action steps required to see through this solution. Yes acknowledge that it is there and then ask yourself, what am I going to do about it?.
So many people are walking around with this same addiction unknowingly committing themselves to a life of misery and solitude. I speak so bluntly because until last week I was one of those people, even with all that I have in front of me, I was miserable and alone. This is again the beginning of my journey of healing my addiction to pain and I will continue to share the layers as they unravel from my being.
This is my recovery.
Make sure you read part 1 to get the full evolution of this journey and watch for part 3 in the days to come relating to my journey as an entrepreneur.