I have become undone. Walking into the shadows of myself once again I find myself lost in a heart space so dark and harsh, it feels as though nothing can be found. When I take a step I begin to wonder when I will return. With each step I begin to see clearly why I will never return.
I am walking alone with no one to hold my hand, with no one to guide me. I am alone. The inevitability of being alone can feel so suffocating when we resist it yet somehow liberating when we return to the knowing that being alone is coming home to the Self. Being alone is the beginning of the end and the end is never found.
As I sit and wonder where my life will go, I am missing out on where my life is now. I am getting lost in the inevitability of a future that simply is.
I wonder what my gifts are, how I can call back my magic more and more? How when I get a taste it feeds me on so many amazingly stunning levels.
It is scary to be willing to walk alone.
I am lost.
It feels so nauseating I have no appetite.
How this works is something that comes into the mind and the body and the soul, straight into the genetic coding.
When we get lost we change our DNA.
I am taken back to myself 15 years ago. I am taken back to a time when I believed in myself so much but so little. I want to be free to do as I please to dress as I please.
Is it time to re-establish my darkness in clothing? My Gothic Witch is missing her Divine Self. Is that what this is?
Is it my darkness screaming at being suppressed?
Is my darkness my light?
Are they even separate?
When do we know how to become again….
How do we become when so overwhelmed and bombarded with thoughts of incompetence?
Inside me is screaming and I am surrounded by humans unknowing. This has never been any different so I am not sure why I am surprised. I guess maybe I thought that because I have women who resonate with me and are able to talk about the things I am interested in that I would feel less alone. I never should have stopped believing that we are only alone – did I ever truly stop?
I just feel so different and am afraid of speaking. But WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
That is always the million dollar question….Why oh why do I feel so different? I always have. Thinking back to when I was younger and I would try and protect the trees and the birds were my favourite. I realize now how much medicine I have possessed my entire life and why I couldn’t stay at home for months at a time when my parents were fighting. It wasn’t because I was weak or the youngest, it was because I felt everyone’s pain in the house. I felt everyone’s rage and depression. I was 12. My Mom must have intuitively known because she suggested I stay with friends and my Aunt. My Mom was definitely a medicine worker in her past lives, she just knows and has always preferred natural solutions wherever possible.
But oh my darkness. I even begin to wonder if I am with the right partner. Am I supposed to be with a partner at all? It doesn’t feel like it right now. I get confused and caught up. Ah that’s my own bullshit talking because I have weak boundaries with my partner still – work in progress.
to be continued...