part 2/3 The Unbecoming
Where do we go when the darkness keeps coming?
You just go deeper and deeper and deeper until you find the place it all began. You find the nook and the deepest crevice and you sit there. You stay there until you see that it is not in control, it is something you are safe to have and to hold and to become a part of your story?
How do we become unknown to our self?
We become unknown to our Self when we stop listening to our Self or when we start talking pourly about our body or when we create scenarios in our mind that do not reflect our reality or when we stop doing that which brings us joy or when we feel trapped or when we experience pain we do not want to feel or when we stop learning. We become unknown.
The darkness is a filter that allows us to re-enter the world with a new understanding and a new appreciation for different parts of us.
It is those darkest parts that have carried us through life times of pain. It is those darkest parts that we have hidden that make us who we are once we emerge. It is the struggles and the pains and the scars that shape our views and allow us to become harsh and shallow or loving and compassionate. It is in the darkness that I found love.
It is in the darkness I seek solace now.
I seek a way of living that is beyond even my own imagination or understanding. What I am seeking is so outside of my own control that it is terrifying. I am asking myself to trust in a bigger vision without my own expectations. I am asking to be shown and to be seen for all that we all have done. I want to be the one to blaze the trail but yet I sit afraid in my darkness. Not even afraid, that is definitely the wrong word. Maybe I should say confused in the darkness. It is always so murky when we sit in the waters alone, we must lift up and outside of the body to gain a deeper perspective of what is to come and what is to be had.
We do not exist in the darkness or in the light but rather in both.
This past week has been one of shedding and of seeing. It has been one of existing and resting and just witnessing what has been unfolding.
A pain in my side and over my heart has been there for days and I know it is grief.
It is grief for a boy, a man, someone known to me in the past life and in this life. It is something so deep and profound that it has haunted me for life times. It has embedded itself in my bones and my womb that it is screaming at me to let it out.
Let what out? The careless bravery of the child?
I always thought that child who was decapitated and dismembered in my dreams was my child, what if in fact that child was me? What if as that child I was still a Warlock (Witch) and was punished for my visions which is why my sight has been clouded in this life time? How do we know anything to be true?
to be continued...